What drives a good looking, confident single woman to only seek married men for a “relationship”? Is that what they set out to find or did she just discover that she can get what she wants or feels she needs from a casual relationship with a married man having an affair?
Some single men have admitted to wearing a wedding ring in order to attract women, they do not need to get emotionally involved and can limit the time they spend with a woman.
The obvious question for these women is ‘why not just date a single man?’
When you talk to these women their answers are invariably that they do not want ties or baggage, dating married men means they can pick and choose when they see them without the hassle or dirty socks.
They also lose no time in stating they are not the ones committing adultery. It makes me ask them if they recognise adultery is wrong then why are they an active party to it. They laugh at me and quickly repeat they are not the ones doing anything wrong.
These are confident women that can provide for themselves, they don’t need a husband or children to make their life complete, so an affair gives them exactly what they want without the baggage.
The next obvious question is ‘but what about the families you are breaking up?’
Here their logic eludes me, they say they can’t break up a family because if the marriage was happy the men would not be searching online dating sites for an adulterous affair.
Certainly you can’t argue with that point, these men are responsible for their own actions but surely the ladies need to take some responsibility for making themselves available only to married men and therefore threatening a marriage, happy or not.
It seems to me it is simply a way to shift the blame, to be the innocent party without ties or responsibilities and it must therefore be all his fault. The idea that their seeking out these men is in fact a part of the process and problem is rejected, as this would mean what they are doing is wrong.
When asked about entering into relationships that are doomed to fail because the man is not available these ladies will insist that the men are available, they make themselves available by putting themselves on the market.
There is a website that has been running quite successfully for the past two years which provides, for a fee, everything you need for a fake alibi including hotel and flight bookings, work seminars and they even man the telephone in case your other half calls. The ironic part is that they also offer private investigation services to catch your partner cheating. However, services like this cannot survive if there is no demand for them so someone must be paying for the services.
I find it all a little sad, that anyone would actively seek a married person to have a casual relationship with, it sounds rather like a business contract.
Perhaps these women have been hurt or used and are going for revenge? I admit I do not understand their motives but what surprised me in these conversations is that they are vibrant confident women and I did feel they were selling themselves short.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:56 am
If I notice that my boyfriend do that, i kill him!. Many kind of men do that: put on a ring.. But the girls are the bad persons.. Why dont they join to a free man???
February 14th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Hi Rinna
I don’t think you can say it is all the girls fault, as they say it takes two to tango. In his case I believe it takes three .. the single girl should certainly be looking for someone single to date so she is largely responsible, the husband/boyfriend should learn to say no thanks I’m not single and the wife/girlfriend should be taking a long hard look at whether she is giving her man what he needs. A man in a happy stable relationship, that is getting what he needs, in the way of physical and emotional support, rarely strays. It is when he feels he is not getting his needs met at home that he begins to look elesewhere .. same for married women of course.
July 21st, 2009 at 11:00 pm
Hello here
an alternative perspective: I am one of those confident professional women. I walked away from a difficult marriage (alcohol and debts) and felt I did not want to re-engage with men – I didn’t go looking. I didn’t want and, suddenly financially going solo, couldn’t afford a social life – besides my job meant I was too busy. In reality I was also too damaged.
For 12 years I had no social or sexual interaction … and then … an opportunity presented itself and I remembered that I was once a vibrant and sexually active person. My second realisation was that, in my mid 50s, this was probably my last chance to experience and enjoy sex. It was only when these realisations had struck home, but before anything had happened, that he openly told me of his wife and children.
I do have pangs of guilt and do know that(probably for the first time in my life) I am being selfish. I also know that I deserve some joy, some passion and some tender affection. My lover assures me he has no wish to destroy his marriage and I certainly have no wish to demand more than he can discretely manage. Yes, I am flattered (he is 12 years my junior) but the fact is that he has made me whole again.
Hopefully his wife need never know and perhaps, just perhaps, his finding what else he needs with someone who demands nothing more, might even help to preserve his marriage. If not, then my guess is, it was doomed anyway. I doubt that our affair will last ‘forever’ and we are, of course both free to walk away at any time.
I know though, that I will still not go out there to seek someone else and so feel this borrowed opportunity (that I did not actively seek) is to be savoured for its sweetness – for the limited time it will be mine.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:51 am
Hi Arama
I was genuinely sad to read your comments. Clearly you are too scared, due to previous heartbreak, to enter into a healthy relationship and are hiding in an affair in order to avoid the possibility of future heartbreak, telling yourself it will end one day so anticipating the pain now. It’s a common enough situation for women having affairs with married men but is honestly not the answer for anyone (other than young women looking for someone to pay the bills in return for their favours).
Do you honestly believe it will not hurt when he has had enough of you and moves on to the next woman?
Feeling whole again is very important for any woman after a bad breakup but have you ever considered that if his wife found out you would actually be making her into you … years of being unable to feel whole. Not a nice thought is it.
Yes be selfish but do it in a healthy way, find someone free to offer you the love and attention you crave and deserve but set out at the beginning what you are looking for, there are plenty of men your age who are looking for a committed relationship but not marriage or living together.
Personally I believe his marriage would fare much better if someone took him and his wife to marriage counselling.
July 30th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Thank you for your response. Clearly you write from your own perspective, as I too write from mine. However, please do not see me as a passive and timid person, hiding away from life. I am not. I am full of life, with a full life, active and energetic.
To clarify, I am not scared of a relationship, but simply was not seeking one and am certainly not changing my lifestyle to put myself out there in order to flag up ‘availability’. To alter my persona and way of life, for the sake of seeking out a specific (and previously unidentified) goal. itself appears sad. As for the notion of heartbreak – it is not, for me, anticipated or otherwise (see later note) in this daliance or any other situation.
You write of ‘plenty of men your (my) age who are looking for a committed relationship but not marriage or living together’. I am sure there will be some, healthy, clean, fun, active, vibrant, intelligent, optimistic, non smoking, non drinking, vegetarian, eco friendly, non bigoted, humorous ‘candidates’ somewhere – but I have yet to come across any. I have a small group of friends, but all are ‘partnered’ and after 12 years it is also obvious there is nobody in their wider circles who might make a reasonable match. Their husbands are also quite safe from me as I wouldn’t give any of them a second glance – although one did offer.
Certainly any single men within 15 years either side of my age that I have met, at work or elsewhere, are single for very good reasons. They probably also think that of me.
My guess is, you are not suggesting I take my lover and his wife to marriage counselling, although now you have mentioned it I will suggest he considers raising it with his wife. However, I think it is likely that there is ostensibly nothing majorly wrong with their marriage and that his wife is not aware of any problem. It does beg the question whether ignorance is bliss or whether the pandora’s box would be better opened. But then that would surely be to endanger the marriage and, more importantly, the family.
Yes, if she found out she would see it as a betrayal on his part and would be hurt, probably extremely hurt – their relationship might or might not recover. (Marriage counselling possibly being on the agenda at that point, of course) However, his infidelities are not the same level of betrayal as – living with an alcoholic, day in day out, watching him ‘die’ three times while you wait to be declared bankrupt and while your children look on. That is insurmountable and the outcome inevitable.
So, for the (further) record: I did not suffer a ‘bad’ marriage breakup – it was a release, with my being the pro-active member. I walked away. There was no heartbreak, merely a gentle sadness and a regret. The process was far too long winded for heartbreak – 27 years, in fact. It was simply the right decision, at the right time – the end of the road.
On that note, you should not assume that all women are victims and that heartbreak ensues at the end of all marriages. It does not. To assume it, is to position women in submissive and repressed roles, while many are, they should not be positioned there by the likes of you or I. Their own negotiated situation, within their own cultural context has done that for them.
Have you considered that some women would be glad if their partners sought sexual gratification elsewhere? Not all women wish to be sexually active, especially after many years. True, I don’t know that this is the case here, but I do know that ‘he’ seeks more than he obtains within the marriage. The idea of ‘duty’ is old fashioned, but where it does exist it would likely be burdensome. I know whenever approached by my erstwhile husband in the latter years of our marriage I would have sighed with relief if he found his release elsewhere. It might even have saved our marriage.
On a final point: yes, I truly believe that I will not be unduly hurt whenever my lover moves on. Or when I decide that it has tipped into something I don’t want it to be. It is something I did not seek and did not expect and in that light it is a bonus and will, in the fullness of time, become a pleasant memory.
With all that said, it is not my preference to ‘have’ a married man come to my bed, but life having presented that situation I have discovered that I am capable of accepting and enjoying this illicit pleasure. For that. I am sorry.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Well, I recently have experienced the most difficult thing in my life so far. The break up of my family as a result of an affair. Yes, after thirteen years of marriage, we did have some issues. No marriage on this earth is perfect. I read every book, said every prayer, and tried everything I knew humanly possible to save our marriage..our family. Unfortunately, when a third person is involved, it is extremely difficult to repair. I did not know exactly why my husband was acting strange for a year or so, but I soon found out after he filed for divorce. His other woman was pregnant and his life had so quickly changed. It is obvious he dosen’t love her, but all of our lives have dramatically changed. I have been on the ground crying to God in pain so many times. What the other woman dosen’t truly understand is how her actions destroyed a family. Yes, he made the commitment, but we are all accountable for our actions. I am a smart and attractive woman. I have been approached by several married men throughout my marriage. I’m glad to say that I walked away from the temptation and made the right choice for my family. Yes, I am human and do have feelings and desire. It’s all a matter of choice women. We need to stick together and do the right thing. Not the selfish act. Please remember my broken family if you are ever tempted to have an affair with a married man. It may be you someday on the other side!!!!
August 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Hello again Arama, thank you for your reply.
Sorry I was not trying to suggest you are passive or timid, simply that you are emotionally unavailable due to past experiences … based solely on your comments in your first response.
You say you were not seeking a relationship but surely to accept the advances of the married man you are seeing suggests you were ready for some type of relationship, whether conciously or not?
Surely if you have not been looking for any kind of relationship then of course it’s unlikely you would come across any suitable candidates. Have you tried eco/vegetarian dating sites?
This is where your comments confuse me I’m afraid, you go on to say your small circle of friends obviously don’t know of anyone suitable either after 12 years but if you haven’t been looking for someone why would your friends mention or look out for someone suitable?
Of course I may be totally wrong, not knowing you, but it seems to me that you have in fact wanted a relationship but didn’t find anyone “suitable” and so settled for an affair when the opportunity arose.
I find it quite surprising that you say it’s likely there is ostensibly nothing majorly wrong with their marriage and that his wife is not aware of any problem … he is seeing you and that in itself is proof that, even just for him, there is something very wrong with his marriage or with his moral compass.
I’m not a great fan of Pandora’s box, if his wife is truely blissfully unaware and happy in her marriage then I would suggest he doesn’t admit to the affair (providing he accepts it is wrong and mentally commits to not “re-offending”) but does tell his wife he is not entirely satisfied with the sexual aspect of their marriage.
You make light of your lovers betrayal (therefore the potential pain his wife could experience) compared to, what I assume is, the experience you went through with an alcoholic partner. Then you tell me you didn’t experience a bad marriage breakup or heartbreak.
Just because the heart breaks over a long period of time and it’s a physical and emotional relief to eventually walk out of the door doesn’t invalidate the heartbreak itself, it’s simply a long slow process of emotional pain rather than a sudden experience.
I feel totally sure you have no intention or desire to cause another woman that level of pain but you are also savvy enough to know the possible consequences of your chosen course of action. Yes your lover is responsible for what he is doing to his wife and to you but you have also chosen to play a willing part in this charade.
I know very well from experience that heartbreak doesn’t ensue at the end of every marriage and it is certainly not a female perogative to be hurt when a relationship ends, many men are also devastated when their marriage ends.
I feel sure the numbers of women willing to have an open marriage are very small, although indeed some are happy with such an arrangement. Yes many women become less sexually responsive after years of marriage but most would also not be happy to hear their husband is betraying them and given a choice would opt for working on their marriage over him having an affair.
Perhaps you see yourself as a modern day courtesan, taking care of her husbands nasty carnal desires while she plays house … I don’t know, but I do know that their marriage is likely doomed while you are the third cog in the wheel.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Hi Christina, I am so sorry to hear of your marriage break up and the circumstances of how it occurred. Well your husband sounds like he is in for a bumpy ride, the failure rates of second marriages and marriages due to pregnancy are very high.
May I ask whether you husband ever talked to you about not being happy in your marriage or was this a bolt out of the blue?4
Did he ever explain how the affair began or why he chose to go outside his marriage?
August 20th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Why is it that people always seem to want things that they can’t get? There’s enough other single men out there but they always want it the hard way!
Paul@RX Affiliate´s last blog ..myRXCash summer heat promotion
August 25th, 2009 at 9:50 am
No excuse for this . A wife is something singularly designed for that particular man at the time of the vow to God, a man asks to be her head, protector and love her sacrificially .
God grants ONE woman to the man as the means for that man to be brought to maturity through sacrificial love as Christ loved the Church [ His bride] and GAVE HIMSELF for her.
Women do not need to be told to be sacrificial as along with maternal care they are pretty much invested in that area to their husbands, they have other commands, but the MAN is commanded to be sacrificial in loving and protecting his love for his wife.
Marriage is the image of the act of redemption and reconciliation of fallen man to GOD ..just as God in the beginning took the woman OUT of the man and then brought her to him reconciling them as ONE FLESH.
Sexual pleasure is for both and designed as a form of worship, pleasure and also the fruit being children of that love .
The love GOD speaks of in His Word is not the natural affection that people consume one another with in every avenue of life. It is not selfish and self serving. Adultery is nothing but acting upon selfish appetites that COULD be controlled IF it were not self seeking.
The design of man is that he is easily turned on by what he sees, sight. In marriage he is to initiate in a loving way concern and care for his wife. If other women are abounding in half dressed manner and provocotive it is very difficult for a man to focus on what his responsibilities are toward his wife …But he is COMMANDED to control his eyes and his thought life. Few people today care about that or even realize there IS a way to keep oneself pure and a reason to !
A woman is designed to be responsive and she is to be relationally attended, her husband is commanded to live with her according to knowledge. She is not his sex object..She is to be treated as part of his OWN BODY …as this is what she IS !
His body belongs NOT TO HIM but to HER and thus they would take ultimate care of each other not to violate that trust because it damages their OWN life that was intended for their BEST .
Any penis can enter any vagina! That is not talent ! But that seems to be the way the media portrays this . Intercourse is to be the fullest expression of the blood covenant of marriage which is the first covenant in the Bible…Genesis …it was established by GOD for HIS purposes and the fulfillment of what being IN that marriage would result in the lives of BOTH ….throughout their WHOLE life …until death.
Because if one takes this seriously and attends to it properly there is DEPTH of life that cannot otherwise be experienced as a single person ..it is a fullness that is promised to those that marry for their faithfulness . It is more than most ever even know is possible because this knowledge is not being taught and few take time to find out .
Sex has become more and more a sport as schools teach young people it is nothing to think of other than some kind of ‘communication’ …it is so much more than that and is in need of our protection …but that is an elusive truth to people who are limited to their felt needs being all they know of …no wonder there is a shallow appreciation for sex when it has been reduced to nothing more than having a good meal!
In marriage there are many “seasons” that demand self control and maturity. During those seasons where, illness occurs, children come there are times when OTHER WOMEN may assume that they are just the ticket, for the ‘”gap’ in the man’s sex life!
I assure you that most wives are NOT sexless fish that some women may want to convince themselves that they are . There is no lack of any woman desiring her husband . Most men are simply not prepared to expect that they must continue to court their wives, to listen to them , to share their lives . When they fail to LOVE them and treat them with at least as much aharing as they do their co workers the wives feel like they are being used . This is part of what we are to work out in our lives as married people .
Some young woman offering delights to a man whose wife is at home cooking dinner while he stops off for a drink ‘with the employees’ is just facilitating a man remaining a little boy ….or as I put it to my husband …”your extended childhood cost your son HIS ‘ As a father is not just a biological contributor but true fathering involves limit setting , bed time stories, helping around the house…allowing chldren to observe their parents INVOLVED with one another !
A young or single woman cannot realize what her ‘help’ is doing to all concerned . It is NOT just the wife and children being broken by this but the MAN who …driven by his lust from ‘just looking ‘ to sampling her wares …is CAUGHT and misses the life he was intended to GROW UP BY !
..just when a man is best tested and going to be GROWN through his own involvement with the family needs , he sees an ESCAPE through this freewheeling , fun fest of sex and adoring eyes of a woman who has GIVEN NOTHING to contribute to his life and bring him to the point of success whereby those women are DRAWN to them!
My husband began his adultery after 12 years of marriage and at a time when I had just had our 3rd child, from a 3 month bed rest due to complications, then a c section , a remodel and house sale and meanwhile he was transferred ahead leaving me with all to do and he lonely . yes that is a long stretch for a man …but IT was A LONG “stretch ‘ on me too! and MY needs went unmet as well because that is what happens in life sometimes…He got away with it because I thought he was sacrificing for US so we could have a better life!
He tended to us , called us …but meanwhile a young woman spied him alone in an upscale restaurant where he was being put up while waiting for us to join him .She crossed a busy restaurant and left a card on his table to call him if he wanted to “go for a drink’ …Temptation he SHOULD have cast away but it had been a long time for him …through the pregnancy …and all the rest of the separation from us ..and his new upscale job …all converging to provide a test that more and more men seem unprepared to resist and more and more young women are willing to take what they can get !
A single woman 17 years younger solicited him , and entered into an affair. 16 years later I found out quite by accident in a very unlikely way. But nothing that is hidden remains so …it always comes out and never when or how anyone might expect.
I was totally shocked, as he had been able to tend to us while also working hard at a soaring career. He had eventually hired her and made her his business partner.
She urged him to have a child after 8 years and a visit to our home …then she wanted another .
Meanwhile all those years I was very occupied with many home sales and moves AND I was homeschooling our three children . I often tried to convince my husband that we needed him to be more involved and to participate in our family for all our sakes ..HIS TOO …he was always too tired when at home or too ‘busy’ when gone. It was lonely and stressful but I kept my head in the business I was called to do as a mother and as much as he would allow , as wife. Now I realize why he was so distant and not really interested in much of what we were doing .
I used to say ” I did not get married to go everywhere alone…’ but he did not want to engage and I did not want to push . I was taught to respect a person’s privacy and who wants to have to push to be involved when it is clear there is no enthusiasm …I thought he was just working too hard to push for more … Meanwhile I stayed ‘available ‘ to him and kept living the best life of wife and mother I could learn to do . Seven years of college, a professional career before marriage myself , trim, youthful , athletic and sexually vital myself it hurt a lot for me to find that none of that mattered . He ‘loved ‘ me and would not leave me ever as he told her …but once he had tasted the forbidden fruit …and I did not know what was going on ..he covered it MASTERFULLY …IT has been DEVASTATING …
We are together and will continue to work on this …I am writing this hoping that women who want to justify their seeking out and involving themselves with married men will THINK !!!! IT is A TERRIBLE thing to do and it changes lives FOREVER!
It was like they decided WHAT OUR lives would be …limited and so much less than what it was supposed to be …because a HUSBAND HAS to BE a HUSBAND or it breaks the lives of ALL his family.
She had another child , and our family was moved into lesser quarters on the guise of needing to do so because of company cuts in income.
Meanwhile and he gave her over one million dollars bit by bit.She bought a new house, had to have it landscaped .She was stealth in her approach asking for money …His ego would not permit him to tell her no…and his guilt. She got a new Lexus because she could not carry a baby in the older car.
He is now NOT in contact but still sends her twice the support due. She has moved twice to stay near by …It is a plague,she is a parasite. He is now becoming ill because of the stress since I found out and he has quit seeing all of them .
Our family has suffered more than I can express. There will be no retirement for us . Our savings funds were pretty much all lost in the last econ down fall , his business is fragile .
She has no idea of the pain and suffering we are all going through . She planned and researched being a ‘single mom’ even though she is not working and now lives off our income.
We are not wealthy and not young. She knew a vulnerable man when she saw him and he is not the kind to abandon his responsibilities .
He is a proud man and this whole mess has broken him . His regret is that he ever met her and fell into that vortex. Our children were being taught the virtue of purity while their father was lying ,cheating and stealing from their lives and this woman was fully knowledgeable of this from the very first.
He was terribly wrong , no argument, but marriages have enough challenges to overcome without single women without knowledge of the ups and downs that are PART OF that covenant throwing themselves at men.
There are no winners in this …those kids of hers are going to private school and will never have what they should have had ,had SHE had any consideration of what life for them would be.
She COULD have had a single man . She could have continued working as she made over $100,000.00 a year.
She said she did not intend to break up our family but these things have a way of being found out.
There is not a DAY that goes by without this being ‘there’ .
The past life we had of now nearly 29 years has been marred beyond words, the present is a daily task , and the future is forever emptied of our plans to retire and enjoy some of the life we DID anticipate as we had hoped.
All because my husband was at a point of “need” and thought he could just be of some comfort to her …and then reasoned he could enjoy SOME pleasure for himself …little by little ….there is no such thing as a “little sin ” it all results in death in part or in full.
She could not see any reason to keep OUT of our marriage bed and then he was too weak to cut it off.
He is one terribly miserable man realizing what he LOST in the years he took his time and energy to ‘tend’ to her ‘needs’
When he was done over at her place after work…HE did not ‘need’ me anymore..our love making was sporadic and very quickly over …he would jump out of bed …it was really odd and difficult to be ‘loved’ this way but with all the variety of things ALWAYS going on with multiple moving …it was exhausting …I thought I should support his work …big mistake …marriage is not supposed to exist to support a man’s job ….His job is supposed to support his marriage and family!
That was my wrong upbringing coming into play …It was not supposed to be all about HIS HAPPINESS ….it was supposed to be all about pleasing one another and honoring our vows ….to the glory of the LORd ….Hard way to learn but we are NOW.
many women hear that sex at home is not all that good …that was a LIE …and usually is …Women who marry LIKE sex…and it is fine but there are times in every life where there are interruptions ….and most people CAN deal with it …but it MUST be dealt with and talked about …
Some men will NOT communicate ,…they buy into the lockeroom mentality that if it takes too much work then it isn’t love! that is a lie …most long time marriages go through a LOT of work to keep love alive…!
Affairs do not have the same type of situations entering in. They are fantasy and forbidden and derive much sexual tension from that alone…even long term ones…There is some kind of ‘glamor ‘ attached to doing something “counter culture” but what happens when the WHOLE culture starts to exploit lust …it has to escalate to further degradation …further extremes to stimulate and excite that line of hunger.
Due to the stress of having all of our family dealings off loaded upon me I had chronic pain that sent me searching to find out the cause.those disappeared upon finding out …turns out that the lack of love, affection , help , companionship and all that woman marries a man for effected my health through stress . It was like a pinched nerve …after many specialists I just lived with it …more and better sex would have helped it I find out NOW …as I am the ‘default’ lover …not really but that is one of the things a wife has to deal with feeling in the end of something like this …sadly.
.Much of the physically experienced pain was caused by the LACK of the whole relationship of marriage that HE was supposed to SHARE in and NOW DOES.
He missed his part in raising our children as he would ‘work ‘ late and leave early, spend only part of vacations with us ..I thought he was working so hard for all of us and felt guilty for feeling so lonely for his time.
NO WOMAN who is NOT the WIFE has any business TAKING what does not belong to her…A MAN is missing what GOD designed his wife to be for his GROWTH and MATURITY by tending to his marriage …his life was NOT supposed to be FOR HIS PLEASURE at the expense of his responsibilities and if he FULFILLED his VOWS his joy would be increased and full.
Men are to initiate …in adultery the woman does not require HALF the attending before sex because she is pretty turned on and refreshed as it is a FORBIDDEN construct that excites it’s OWN energy …the adulteress loses ALSO …that woman is now 45 with two children one of which I hear is possibly ill ..
So our media glorifying adultery and single motherhood has ripped off a lot of young clueless women who will lose their youth to this kind of mess…money or not it is NOT WORTH the damaged LIVES.!
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:56 am
Hi Karra
Thank you for sharing your story and I do hope people will take the time to read it and reflect, particularly if they considering getting into an affair. Of course many people no longer believe in God but that does not lessen the truths you tell in your story.
My heart goes out to you and your children but also to the children of the other woman, they have no blame in this awful situation. They have to be brought up without a father figure and I could quite happily kick your husbands behind for being so spineless and selfish.
Of course when she dropped the business card on the table it was your husbands responsibility to tear it up and tell her he was married. I wonder if she knew when she approached him that he was married?
You say “most long time marriages go through a LOT of work to keep love alive…! ” and I would disagree with this … ALL marriages require lots of work to keep love alive and I agree society today has made it too easy to forget your responsibilities and seek pure fun.
Unfortunately you will never move beyond this because there are children involved and he has a responsibility to them but I hope you can all find a way of of accepting what has happened and redefining your relationships based on the current situation.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Thank you for your reply.
Yes it was my husband’s responsibility to tear up the card OR to bring to the woman’s attention that her choices to seek relationships with married men was a waste of her life. He COULD have told her about Jesus and maybe reminded her of the very real danger of trying to ‘hook’ up with total strangers. Lots of options,
Instead he was at a very vulnerable place in his life with lots of money and feeling invincable and took this far to far. He waited but weakened and called her up for a ‘drink’ as they met he told her he was married. This never caused her to pause in her ‘getting to know him’
I have had a chance now to further study marriage , husband , wife and all related words in the Bible in much more depth than ever before. One of the sad but profitable results of being in such a painful situation.
One of the things that was destructive in our marriage was that my husband did not really have a passion OR a long testimony of applying the Word of GOD in his life. He basically “believed’ in God but did not walk in any of the knowledge of it . He was raised as many of us are not to make distinctions as God tells us are godly priorities, thus believing that love for ALL people should be acted upon without any concern for the god given boundaries!
When we first were dating and talking about marriage we discussed the aspect of infidelity and how to avoid it . We were fine until we moved back into the close proximity to his family and friends. None of them supported a godly point of view. The major worldview of ‘good’ people today that has replaced the Word of GOD is Secular Humanism. The idea that everyone is your ‘brother’ . Jesus made a distinction that only those that ‘do the will of my Father are my brother or mother’ .
This does not mean we mistreat anyone but it does clarify a LOT of scripture that refers to what we are to do in relation to our ‘brother’ or ‘sister’
It also makes a distinction between those that are ‘of the world’ and those that are ‘of or IN Christ ‘ …this awareness as we read scripture gives us more wisdom regarding our conduct …
One big truth regarding marriage is that when a man marries he is to CHANGE his allegence. He is to LEAVE all other relationships in terms of their claim upon his time, energy and attention and to CLEAVE unto his wife as they become ONE FLESH.
THe providing of a wife for Adam was that GOD took the woman OUT of the man …just as the creation of man to be one with GOD in the beginning in relationship was separated by the FALL .
THe marriage of bringing the woman to the man to become ONE FLESH is the image of the redemption whereby Jesus Christ sacrificially loved his BRIDE ..the church ….and thus GAVE his life for her …just as the husband is commanded to do for his bride…thus illustrating the Lord in relation to the church bringing mankind back to ONENESS with him in the joining of those who believe in ONE BODY in CHRIST .
The responsibility and blessing is promised in marriage to the man who is obedient to forsake all others in terms of their priority in his life to focus upon his wife…this is seen in the command in Genesis that a man is to ” leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife’ .
This does not mean that his mother and father are not to be cared for …or that he is neglect other relationships totally but it is God’s directions so that the Man may ‘open the gift’ that a wife is to be for his best interest.
ALl the challenges that a wife may be to that man are part of that blessing . THe man is to be matured by his changing his priorities from focusing upon HIMSELF and OTHERS to ‘how he may please his wife’ .
All directions in scripture given to the husband are for his BENEFIT.
My husband did not ‘open ‘ the ‘gift’ of his wife thus remains UNdeveloped and also all of us in his jurisdiction of his responsibilities of a husband are lacking what COULD have been his greatest effectiveness upon the lives GOD gave him and intrusted to his care and development.
Our feminized culture does not know this about what marriage is . The blessings of God’s commandments have been cast off and lost to most of us as we have been raised with little or no knowledge of the truths in scripture. There are excellent books upon this subject, one being “Missing From Action” by Grant Jefferies siting the losses to the family and MEN due to the Industrial Revolution. Took men out of their homes, cottage industry from women and children out from the direct and continued influence of Fathers.
The lack of the presence of fathers in the home is NOT a new thing and it is not just the modern idea of ‘absent’ fathers. My own children did not have their father’s time, attention, and energy when this woman took up with him. His idea of fatherhood was to get just “enough’ time with them to suit his OWN comfort ! This is NOT fatherhood. I asked him if he ever set limits, or had those children under his own direction , He said no that was HER responsibility.
This harkens back to when he told me he did not want to be the ‘head’ or ‘leader ‘ of our family . This is to be unwise and ignorant of the idea of leadership. A MAN is the LEADER of his family whether he likes it or not …my own husband taught his son as he left the house whenever we did Bible time that once a man gets to be an adult he does not NEED GOD to be successful . By his actions and attitudes he demonstrated a lack of respect for God’s Word, a ‘freedom” from all the responsibilities of fatherhood and husband to his family,\. My son grew up learning about the Lord and knows the Bible but did not have a godly man to demonstrate the value of following the Lord.
Blessings were brought through other men who did cross our families path to demonstrate what the value of the Word in life is but nothing will erase this impression that my son got from his own father’s lack of care for truth and godly living,
My husband lived such a ‘responsible’ and ‘ kind’ life on the SURFACE that we ALL have reason to doubt our own ability to judge the character of those we meet . My daughters now have to wonder about men who appear to be WONDERFUL , honest people ,,.thankfully we DO have the wisdom of the Word still to guide us . But my husband was so skillful in covering up his dual life that we are damaged by his ‘goodness’ .
THe woman that was willing to build her life and that of her children upon this false foundation cannot really ever fully know what she missed. She was meant for someone to be her husband and she to be a wife and all that would grow in her.
My advice is that if you love GOD and believe He wants the best for your life that you need to remember that MARRIAGE is HIS idea and all that means. with that …>NO person that is already married is going to be the ‘one ‘ for you. A man that HAS a wife needs to tend to her ,…
No married man is THE MAN that GOD has for you …that would break God’s own word and he is very jealous of his own image …a man is a representation of Christ to his church. I cannot imagine God is pleased with a man that MIS represents Christ’s character in this way.
SInce we have not seen this woman there is no real knowing HOW she has handled the CHOICE she has made in choosing to be the ‘single mom’ that she evidently felt she was on the “cutting edge’ of the ‘new families’ that are being paraded on the media as the ‘coming trend’ in families.
The effect of believing the lies that marriage and family is anything one decides it is, is truly more damaging than we could have imagined back when people were trying to be kind to those not participating in the foundational form of our culture that God set forth.
The engineers of society want us to imagine that we may do anything we like and still be OK …if not BETTER for flaunting our own will in the face of our designer and creator . Too late many realize that GOD DOES know what he is talking about .
The community of faith that has set itself apart as “christian’ has much truth to REVISIT because much of what has been taught from the pulpet is without authority from sctipture.
I often observe as I have had to go back and allow GOD to break up and relay my foundation of faith from HIS WORD ..rather than accepting what MAN has said about it …that we need to allow anything we hear or see regarding GDO to be compared to the WHOLE of Scripture.
To those who do not want to know the Bible this is an empty comment. And to some degree those who claim Christ have need to reexamine their faith by the WORD …not popular thought among those who are claiming Christ.
Paul and the apostles exhort such reexamination …daily …There is MUCH error being popularized in the name of Christ, the WORLD has entered into the church and those who are serious about getting answers will need to acknowledge that GOD is CAPABLE of bringing about understanding IF we are WILLING to allow time and effort to seek out what is the WHOLE testamony of sctipture.
Time …is limited to this lifespan. Applying our hearts and minds to KNOW what is being said from GOD’S point of view from HIS definitions of the words he USES by word study of what ALL scripture reveals in how a word is used …Is MOST enlightening …first about the truth of what IS WRONG with our present point of view and then the truth about the truth .
The tree of good and evil rendered our minds with a mixture ….the Lord has made available truth to sort this out . WE do not have to walk in the dark of that which we are born into as we are all born “dead in trespasses and sin ‘,…we CAN be led to understand if we are willing to FOLLOW HIM …which involves ‘deny yourelf, take up your cross and follow HIM “. To ‘deny ‘ our self is to set aside all that we THINK we know about GOD and then to allow HIS WORD to set our thinking aright.
As Jesus said” My WORDS ARE spirit and my WORDS are LIFE” …they are our ‘judge’ also according to Jesus ” my words judge every man in the last day’ He did not come TO judge the world because the world was already UNDER the judgment of death from the FALL …therefore all are born DEAD …in trespasses and sin ….requiring a Savior .
In Adam ALL DiED …in the second Adam all may be made alive through Christ ‘s act of obedience.
So then we are not saved BY our works but in being saved we thus begin to learn what HE commands and obey what he has laid out for us to do for our OWN benefit.
The laws of MARRIAGE predate the written laws of Moses…they are the FIRST covenant and a blood covenant at that ,..to enter into the marriage bed is to defile it but it is also to enter into a one FLESH entity thus a ‘letting of BLOOD” …this is such a serious breach and defiling that only the Saviour and a complete TURNING FROM such a sinful act can result in healing of it .
Repentance was the first directive before the coming of Christ by John the Baptist …and Jesus also preached repentance…the fruit necessary that John referred to was to bring a ‘broken heart and a contrite spirit’ to GOd over sin …This is something that is more than just a ‘reformation’ of behavior..it is a full recognition of the sin and it’s devastation and loss to all concerned …it is a matter of ETERNAL life or death to anyone.
Adultery in the BIBLE is simply a physical ‘image’ of IDOLATRY because sex is a FORM of WORSHIP and sex in marriage was to bring about not just pleasure but it is a PRAISE that is available ONLY in marriage .
Sex outside of marriage is a form of one flesh creature attaching to another flesh …it is in the category of creature…or “beast” …not the holy joining of ONE TEMPLE to ANOTHER temple as Jesus referred to our bodies …as His Temple wherein his spirit resides!
We are not our OWN we have all been bought with a price, even those who do not know this. As the body is the temple of the holy spirit it is not our OWN to “decide’ what to do with it as is our popular cultural view. We have not been taught this or what this means but that does not mean we are not all acountable to know this and to live accordingly .
In Romans it tells us that all are going to give account of our selves and how we lived because we all have been born with a CONSCIENCE and that has the impression of the MORAL LAWS of GOD . Also it speaks that our surroundings of the creation should cause us to seek God and thus we would be brought to “find Him’ …
Those who willfully sin break themSELVES aginst the laws of GOD , they collect among those who also obey their flesh so that they do nto feel so badly but the truth is that until we come to Christ we are ALL UNDER the law of SIN and DEATH without strength to go against our carnal mind and the lusts of it .
Those who desire to change come to that realization and begin to seek the way in order to die TO the natural sin nature …
In the Sermon on the mount we find that the WAY to seek and find is spelled out ..to realize that we are “poor in spirit’ …we do not HAVE it .
The Spirit of GOD comes by way of knowledge …knowledge of HIM who IS Spirit …Jesus Christ obeyed that spirit which is called His FATHER …and he did so “UNTO THE DEATH of his FLESH” ….we are to die also …not literally …for eventually ALL Flesh dies and no flesh inherits the kingdom of GOD …but we are to DIE TO our flesh …by way of the “cross’ of the WORD of GOD ..the sword of the spirit which divides assunder our THOUGHTS and our INTENTIONS because we cannot really KNOW what our thoughts are or our intentions as they compare to God’s thoughts and intentions without knowing His WORD …because ALL scripture has benn GOD Breathed ,..it is PROFITABLE for our doctrine, reproof and correction that we might be COMPLETELY supplied with the righteousness ,..the knowledge of what is needed for LIFE and godliness.
In marriage this is mulitplied . Two people who are obedient to the Lord will learn and make effort to obey those things commanded to them as husband and wife …and parents …thus raising up children in the nurture and the training of the knowledge of GOD ..
Malachi points out that this was God’s intention …to seek a godly seed..children given this oppertunity to know the knowledge of GOD from their beginning .
To ‘have’ children is good …but to what purpose? Today they are almost treated as a fashion accessory in the media as we see actresses getting pregnant by many men and flaunting their ‘celebrity’ by flaunting “convention”. These are the very words my husband used in a letter he wrote and HER request …as she was losing ground in the relationship and desired to be reassured of his caring …
This sinful act of adultery was NOT “against convention’ it was against THEMSELVES! as well as us and GOD .
David in the Bible was confronted by Nathan regarding his taking Bathshebah and having Uriah killed …and HIS response was ‘Against you [God] and you only have I sinned.” Even though GOd had recorded that David was a ‘man after God’s own heart’ …after the adultery he was not called this…
As for sorrowing over the state of the children born of the adultery …sorrow INDEED …In the case of David and Bathsheba ,.the first born DIED ,…the following siblings had nothing but trouble…incest, murder, rebellion , eventually ONE of his sons tried to usurp his throne and was killed by David’s army.
Do children pay for the sins of the father …I do not know that it is as DIRECT as that …I do no know each person is held accountable to seek GOD and those who have been hurt by parents such as these who live for themselves only and do whatever their carnal nature dictates have a hard time coming OUT from that influence.
God is graciious and His mercy endures forever. We have been given grace to seek HIM and mercy to learn and apply what we find in His WOrd .
Those who are His WILL seek Him and they will learn to walk IN his WORD.
This soveriegn condition of GOD is something that is overall. Each person however if held responsibile to seek Him as we see is recorded for us to know in His Word then each must do the seeking and concern him or herself to do so . God being LOVE is also JUST and HOLY …all aspects of his character must be considered.
To those taught that God is LOVE without the additional and complete consideration of his WHOLE character will continue to sin thinking they are forgiven .
However there are scriptures that warn that some who actually DO believe and HAVE done miracles ‘in His NAME” will be turned away …as JEsus tells them “depart from me ye WORKERS OF INIQUITY I never KNEW YOU”
Scary consideration ….but it can be avoided if we understand a few things ….first “iniquity’ is the word “lawLESS NESS” those who “work’ or are actively casting OFF the law of God ..that MORAL law that still stands even in the time of GRace.’
Also the word ‘know’ here is the word used in the cast of ‘to impregnate’ Sine the Word of GOD is spoken of as being a “seed’ it is then necessary for us to PLANT that WORD in our minds…our minds being prepared with the ‘meekness to receive the engrafted word that is ABLE to save your soul’
When a person humbles himself and seeks to KNOW GOd and will take the time to do so DAILY …as JEsus spoke of needing to eat that bread [ that came down from heaven ...himself] DAILY we will grow in our knowledge of HIM and as we OBEY that word as it is brought up from within where we have ‘sown’ it in our minds..[ hearts] we will grow in the faith …and walk IN that word…not just being hearers ONLY.
The benefit of knowledge is not just in knowing it …but in actually making life decisions by it.
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church and GAVE HIMSELF for it …is one
Husbands LEAVE your other relations as priority and CLEAVE unto your wife is another…
Fathers train up your children in the nurture and admonition of the LORD
Fathers provoke not your children to wrath lest they be discouraged
So many exhortations with valuable results …
Christ went FIRST …just as husband’s are designed to be intiators in the marriage relationship because by DESIGN women are responders.
Many men complain about their wives not responding sexually but they fail to realize that a woman is designed to respond to his valuing her as a PERSON .
I find it interesting that GOD does not have to command a woman to love her husband …from the fall ,,,,a wife is made to” desire her husband’ it is not to OVER LORD him as many say but SHE pretty much desires the love of her husband ‘
Men are COMMANDED to love their wives sacrificially because it is NOT NATURAL for a man to be sacrificial toward his wife. After “winning’ her men generally need to make effort in this area.
Women are more responsive sacrificially in general emotionally as they are the nurturers of babies and small children
Men are less inclinded in this area as they are in need of more ‘thick skin’ in terms of having to protect [ combat ] and provide [ requiring less emotional response to the market place]
It is not that men are NOT emotuional but they tend to have to FOCUS their attention on something ….in this GOd tells them to guard their hearts by guarding their EYES….what they look and focus upon .
Today men have a HUGE challenge as our culture and media are saturated with sexual images that wear down a man’s resolve to remain pure of mind …and men who do not know the WORD or apply it to their decisions of what they think about what they look at ..will find little or NO strength of defense in the area of their minds.
God said we are to “cast DOWN vain imaginations and every high thing that HOLDS ITSELF up against the knowledge of GOD’ this is impossible if you do not HAVE the word of GOD which IS the sword of the Spirit which divides or REVEALS the thoughts and INTENTIONS of our own hearts.
So men without this or even the desire for it are “unarmed’ and thus are not equipped to deal with the assault upon their minds and desires that are excited by the images that abound around them.
Those without the knowledge of HOW they become subject to sinful assaults upon their temple through their eyes…and mind are going to accept the popular thought and attitude of their cultuer and thus seek to “compete ‘ in the arena of “men’ as portrayed in movies, billboards, and the contemporary male icons of the day. James Bond, John Wayne,the sopranos, the football and baseball heros …and most of the ones they are tending to want to emlate are those who are “braving” convention.
It is interesting to note as well that the immediate response to being found out is that of their earliest father ADAM …who upon his discovered sin blamed the WOMAN and GOD …’it was the woman YOU gave me ” was his reply to GOD …
It is also interesting to note that GOD told ADAM before EVE arrived the command not to eat of the tree of knowledge of good and evil ,….Eve did not hear this straight from GOD …only ADAM did …and ADam stood by while Eve began to contemplate disobedience as the Word declares ‘ she gave to the man who was WITH her and he did eat’
So MAN is the one held accountable for the FALL ..Eve suffered the consequenceses as well …as ALL of mankind does …because death was the judgment and it was TOLD BEFORE …so Adam was informed…just as today we are TOLD in advance what is sin and the harm it causes.
ALL people KNOW the moral laws …not to steal ..not to kill ..not to covet …it is IN our hearts…there are NONE who have excuse …
Even children know that it hurts to have someone take what does not belong to you.
This woman who DECIDED and planned to take what my husband offered …to step into his life at a very weak point in his character ….and situation …SHE TOO will suffer as she no doubt does.
The children are being provided for in monetary terms but they are being trained up in a school that prepares them to receive a spirit guide…and no one is stopping this …My husband did not think it was his ‘place’ since they are ‘her children” when it comes to how they are being raised but ” his children’ when it comes to providing the money for what they learn!
So it is that it is a HUGE breach…it is OUR family financing the indoctrination of those children into things that are actually FORBIDDEN by GOD . Yet I have no more ability to try to encourage him to change this …I have tried daily to give what I have been learning to him for him to make a change in what he is doing …He sustains the money for their use.
There is no actual knowing WHAT she is doing with the funds…I told him that he should only send what is required by the laws of man since the laws of GOD are still in effect yet not in the physical realm …we do not stone adulterers today … the mercy of GOD prevails in allowance of time to turn from sin …thankfully .
However the consequences of sin …as sin is also regarded as a ‘seed’ in scripture …WILL bring forth a crop unless there is repentance and that repentance MUST be GIVEN from GOD …and it is only given upon the godly sorrow for sin.
As of present from what I have been able to learn she is still living well and not too disturbed by her lifes choices.
This is not MY job … It is grievous in many ways to me to observe this but it is also what the Bible tells us of those who live well despite their wicked ways . They indulge their sinful lust and the “crop” will come forth unless they change their direction …,that is yet to be seen ,but time will tell.
Yes I hope that others might read this …and THINK before they make a CHOICE that destroys their OWN life and that of others.
It is sorrowful to see that I have tried to live according to what I knew and by the ‘goldne rule’ and these two DECIDED that my life was not worth thinking about …nor that of our children.
I asked my husband HOW he could PLAN to have children with this woman when he did not have enough time for ours…How could he say that he loved them and do such a painful and harmful thing to them …AND HOW could a woman deliberately have children OUT of wedlock with NO real guarentee of any future with the man ? The word explains it ,….insanity …unsound minds.
REPROBATE …which means a mind devoid of the ability to make sound choices….which is the result of ‘not wanting to keep the knowledge of GOD in mind ” Romans
But my husband said to me ‘ I knew THEY knew I loved them”
Astounding confession of selfishness….HE “knew” that THYE knew …he loved them….>NOT HARDLY …because love is something conveyed over time and relationship ….sacrifice….investment of SELF ..
He got JUST ENOUGH of our children for HIS comfort and enjoyment but he cast off all of his responsibilities in terms of BEING the father …
ANd he was NEVER a true functioning ‘father’ to the two he is biological father to….He would visit them a few hours a week …and in truth was a playmate…more like a child to child relationship …not a father …and thus did more damage than good in the defining of WHAT a father IS in truth to them .
Now I do not know WHAT she has told them …but one day they are bound to find out the truth …it cannot have a great outcome …they may live WHAT they have lived …and thus become what their parents and friends are ….rebellious against the God that loves them …living by their feelings and lusts….or they may resent them and lose further contact as one family I am aware of .
The mother had two children by another man and her husband forgave her and raised them as his own but their marriage never really recovered and they are both ill…the biological father finally moved his family away and died at 44 of a heart attack….
The children found out as adults and will not speak to their mother….broken lives all because of adultery and selfish indulgence.’
To say that what they do not know won’t hurt them is a sad excuse because GOD WILL reveal these things.
I did not expect this ,..I was not looking into my husband’s life with any suspicion …I fully trusted him ….I found out by accident one day after moving he came home in a hurry searching for some papers ..in my helping him to search I went into an old briefcase thinking he may have put them in there before the move to keep them handy …There I found much to my horror MANY photos of two children ..”who were they ‘ and slowly the painful thought as I noticed how much they looked like my husband came to mind …”Lord help me I prayed as my heart began to pound out of my chest…”I think I have found something I never would want to have found …” “OH LORD >>>HELP ME !!!!”
This is tragic…and now I realize many woman are becoming the victims of clueless and selfish men as we have MORE and MORE young women who themselves have been led to think of marriage as NO option …the common view as per movies, tv, and broken families is that marriage is NOTHING to be desired …and men are to be used as men used to use women …
It is a terrible legacy for all concerned …My children who were raised to maitain their purity for their future mates…they do not even date. ..are now waiting for GOD to bring a mate …but from among WHO? The vast number of youmg people and the desparaging statistics that are now resulting from ‘sex ed’ without God’s beautiful promises of truth about marraige and sex and the purpose of children is very harsh to note.
I will say that DUGGAR family on TV is one encouraging light in the darkness to illustarate the blessing of obeying God in the raising of a family ….I find it very comforting to know that the Lord is NOT absent and will not fail to honor those who honor Him .
Thank you for allowing me to share SOME of what I have been learning …after 40 years in study of the WOrd and making effort to follow NOT the teachings of men but the scripture as the Lord has had to lead me through my own study of the WOrd and efforts to do as He has lead me to learn …often the hard way …I find that He STILL is able to save to the utmost those who are willing to lay down their own will to exchange for His…
It is not what we don’t know that hurts us so much it is what we THINK we know and understand apart from allowing that GOD will show us HIS view if we are willing.
May those who read this find something to wet their appetite to learn if it is SO by their OWN seeking in the Bible to see if it true.
Thankful in the midst of this painful trial. Learning and walking onward
September 7th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Welcome back Karra
You said “When we first were dating and talking about marriage we discussed the aspect of infidelity and how to avoid it .”
To be honest I doubt if anyone in the early stages of a relationship would dream of being unfaithful and many people, the day before they enter into an affair, would no doubt be insulted if you said they were capable of committing adultery. Along the way life offers opportunities and it’s up to us to decide at the time whether we take up the opportunity or reject it, based on our personal moral code.
“Today men have a HUGE challenge as our culture and media are saturated with sexual images that wear down a man’s resolve to remain pure of mind” this I agree with completely. I lived for some time in the Middle East where such images are simply not permitted or accepted by society and in my experience most (not all) men over there would not dream of committing adultery and if people do it is not accepted in society the way it is here in the West. So perhaps our drive for “freedom” is actually causing much of the pain so many experience.
“Many men complain about their wives not responding sexually but they fail to realize that a woman is designed to respond to his valuing her as a PERSON .”
There is so much truth in this statement and it is up to wives to teach this to their husbands and mothers to teach it to their sons.
Bless you and the best of luck with your painful situation.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Thanks for the reply …it is very late here but I would like to add to your last comment. Yes, the lessons would be good to be taught …it is also true that what a child lives he learns. The Bible is full of a lot of truths that we can mine out and apply to life and avoid so much pain.
The knowledge of those truths alone does not as you say guarantee this.
My husband came from a family that SEEMED very solid and clear of many of the indicators of weakness of character that lead many into a blind entry into various situations that incrementally lead to sinful decisions.
Being humble enough to KNOW what are the most common situations that can try the best of us is the foundation of wisdom and thus avoiding being in situations that further lead to actual occasions to sin.
In the case of the sin of sexual temptation the Bible advises …no commands …men …who are VISUALLY stimulated to not try to deal with sexual temptation in small efforts to avoid it but to “FLEE” ….it is one of the most pointed directives in the Bible …from the Designer to the created one….FLEE this particular temptation ..do not try to stay near it to see how far you can go without being caught.
The problem is in truth found in the parable of the sower….those who cannot be told anything, or will heed any warning will not RECEIVE wisdom but go on headlong into situations they should avoid.
My husband was NOT ignorant of the way to avoid this sort of thing …he just did not want to work at what MARRIAGE DOES require in terms of opening up himself to become ONE FLESH …that is ONE in all aspects …not just sex…He feared to be open and surrender to the actual state that marriage is actually designed for ..our growth and maturity as people …as well as the pleasure of all the joys . In truth the “JOYS” are part and parcel to SHARING the SELF with your mate.
This he was not raised to do and many men as we see many IN this type of delemma are not oriented to sacrifice SELF in relationship and today there are too many women who are WILLING to offer themselves to married man as the ESCAPE from reality that men often experience when …once married their spouse continues to require ..according to their godly design to be courted … admired , appreciated and loved as they were in the earliest times when he was trying to WIN her. Once “won’ many men withdraw thinking they HAVE her ..and they go on to “conquer” other territories…some that means’ work or a sport…others are as you say not expecting to go off into affairs but they do not in their pride prepare themselves to deal with it.
In my husband’s case his propensity to “help’ other people became particularly pronounced when he began to work in Corporation and was a manager. He was young ..and failed to heed my warning that women did not perceive his intentions of being nice, helpful and sympathetic as he did .
Many of them , hungry for affection and attention would begin to have crushes ..and I tried to share this with him in as non threatening or nagging as possible. Since we were both involved in following Christ at the time the concern for both was to do well in terms of behavior and not defraud anyone . Also to keep on another honest and open. HIs offense and casting off of care for my feelings came at a time when the fellowship we were involved in had some troubles and he at the same time found friendships among those who encouraged behaviors that were not helpful .
So as he began to reject his faith …his closeness to me suffered and he became more aligned with his friends who did not share the kind of morality commitment that we had .
He has acknowledged this to me now and is regretting what NOW has been a demonstration of JUST what we see in the Bible…it DOES matter who you maintain close relationships with . It does matter what you feed your thinking with …
The lack of teaching by fathers is also reflected back to the lack of teaching Biblical truth within churches as well. There is a LOT to have to gain from what has been lost in the last century mostly .
The truth of the moral laws being written in the hearts of all men …aka conscience is one of the reasons we see in Romans that all are accountable to God for what they do in these areas. All DO know adultery is WRONG …it is demonstrated in the secrecy that they made such a skillful effort to maintain …HOW I found out is also a testimony that no matter HOW well people hide their sin it WILL be brought out in the open …but I think most people expect some kind of huge consequence IMMEDIATELY upon whatever act of sin they commit and not all sin HAS an INSTANT crop ..as the Word says ..sin is a seed …and the Word is also considered a seed …they BOTH take time to come up and sooner or later they do .
Either way the Bible truths are proven …some by sinful behavior and choices …some by doing obediently what is wisdom .
As far as I am understanding it …salvation is not GAINED by our actions but it is INDICATED by them …when you appreciate what Christ DID ..and then seek to understand what is written …you WANT to change how you decide to live…you may struggle but you do not SEEK to find a way to sin ….you begin to CARE about finding out what is right and wrong not just by FEELINGS ..which are not a good measuring stick but to find out WHAT GOD defines as good ..and right …and surprisingly what IS the God defined meaning of many of the words we THINK we know …
So then …he WOULD NOT heed any of what he already KNEW but made deliberate decisions little by little to set aside his once growing godly character to be more accepted by those he worked with and for ..and then by what he WANTED for his own pleasure ..
Now he is sorry but still battling with humbling himself to seek more about what GOD would ask of him in this situation .
Many people hear that God’s love is “unconditional’ when that is just not the testimony of scripture…I was surprised to learn as well ….If there were NO conditions for God to be able to extend mercy to us then Jesus Christ did not have to DIE …in truth there are MANY conditions that GOD Himself FULFILLED yet we too have a part in the APPLYING of all that HE did ….as we learn and then obey what He tells us in scripture.
Jesus told those who said they believed in him …’if you CONTINUE in my WORDS then you are my disciplined ones INDEED” .
I am glad my husband is here, but as he now has to acknowledge the things he ONCE DID KNOW ..and is sorry for having NOT paid heed to the many warnings he got from people who saw his heading down a direction that has been seen to be destructive …he is sorry …he is struggling to deal with it …even having been forgiven …there are still many things he needs to FACE and deal with .
The way his family often dealt with things that they did not like in their lives was denial and self deception and yes, lying.
All for ‘good’ reasons but the outcome of lying is ALWAYS destructive ..to someone..even those that people think they are ‘protecting’ ….in this case his parents taught him that lying was acceptable in certain situations to avoid “hurting ‘ people …they also taught him that NO BODY has a right to tell anyone else what they should believe about GOD ….with that attitude then NONE of the apostles sent to tell others of the gospel should have been listened to by ANYONE …in fact then Jesus would not have been listened to .
At that the very least one should expect to listen …consider and then GO to find out FOR THEMSELVES if what has been said about the Bible is truth or not …
But his family was very adamant and hardened against any discussion of this …shortly after telling me that I should not speak of Jesus in their home any more …and I was NOT pushing it …HE married me KNOWING that I was in ministry and HE joined in that ….I nevertheless honored his father’s request and shortly after his proclamation his mother was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and died a month after our first child was born …A very tough situation for him .
His entire attitude toward me and our new child was put on ‘hold’ and in the mix was his first situation where he was ‘helping ‘ one of his office workers with her own marriage problems….When I picked up on his change in his behavior I asked him about it and he ended up confessing that he had some feelings for her…but ‘nothing happened’ ….I actually went down to his office and very quietly and nicely talked with her…while holding our baby …I asked her if she believed in God and she said “yes’ then I asked her if she believed GOd loved her and she said yes…and then I asked her if she thought God wanted the best for her…and she again said yes…then I said ” Because God designed marriage the BEST man for YOU would NEVER be some other woman’s husband …” “I also told her that IF my marriage had any troubles that it was not likely that we could address them as long as there was an alternative for my husband to focus upon ….” Then my husband walked in from his appt and I spoke up and said ..” Here we are your two favorite women! ” I
Don’t ask me HOW I did that and it was probably not the best way to deal with it in attitude…but I was trying to handle it with love and forgiveness while my heart was torn in two …I also GAVE that woman the outfit that I had worn as my going away wedding outfit as a gesture of good will!
She called two weeks later in tears ..asking me to forgive her and saying she was quitting and moving away!
Now I was told all that happened between them was one day he found her in tears and offered to go for a drink and allow her to talk it over wit him …for ‘comfort ‘ he then found himself hugging her and kissed her …and that was “all’ that happened and it did not go further …
That was some 25 years ago …and in this present situation I JUST found out about a month ago that that woman was crying about her MARRIAGE …so SHE was a married woman that I had spoken with and I did not know that then !
Does it change anything ?>
NO …in fact JESUS said that if a man LOOKS upon a woman and lusts after her in his heart that he has already guilty of adultery .
Many hear that an decide “well I might as WELL enjoy the ACT since it is still the same sin ” The POINT being made is that if you HARBOR thoughts long enough the actions are not far behind so CUT it OFF before that point .
It is also true that the actual sexual intercourse DOES have FAR more harmful effects….IE …broken vows…sexual disease or risk of it …pregnancy …the defiling of THREE people physically since in marriage the vow involves a BLOOD covenant and it is the FIRST one EVER spoken of as such in the Bible…
More on this aspect …in the long run it is A VERY serious crime against the image of the redemption of God that he did with Jesus Christ bringing back together into the ONE relationship of FALLEN man to GOD …as God took the woman OUT of the MAN and then in the marriage covenant brought them back TOGETHER AS ONE FLESH …
It is the image of the restoration of what occurred when man went from a ONE relationship with GOD …to being separated by his disobedience…MARRIAGE was to remind MANKIND of the ACT of GOD sacrificially to redeem fallen man to Himself …whosoever WILL …
The man represents Christ to the CHURCH ..His BRIDE …Christ BOUGHT his BRIDE with HIS OWN BLOOD .
Husbands are told to sacrificially LOVE their WIVES AS Christ loved the Church and GAVE Him SELF for her..
The HUSBAND is commanded to do this …and the FIRST law as recorded in Genesis is TO THE MAN …and it is to change his priorities….
He is told to “LEAVE ” his father and mother …this is in his priorities of heart….his affections …his loyalties…IN ORDER THAT he would then obey the second part of that verse….TO CLEAVE unto his WIFE and they two shall become ONE FLESH …this is not just sexually but in ALL ways ..all parts…they become ONE FLESH …
ANYONE entering into the marriage bed ….actually in this understanding breeches the one FLESH …they cut into something that is one …
In Corinthians it speaks of neither the husband nor the wife’s body belonging to themselves but in marriage their bodies belong to one another …
The truth that we are not our own but we are bought with a price …that of Jesus CHRIST makes NONE of us free to live according to our own fleshly desires ….but today the party line of the culture is that we have ‘rights’ to our own bodies…and some of those carry that to mean that they have a ‘right ‘ to keep or kill another human which may be getting ‘started ‘ in the womb …because there is no teaching about the truth of what GOD tells us in scripture …’
1Cr 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1Cr 7:23 Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men.
I have learned so much in this particular area as I have needed to pay more close attention to the area of marriage and related subjects in my study of scripture…funny how pain often causes us to care more about finding out truth …
I am thankful for the continuing ability to learn and submit to GOD in areas where I still struggle with the difficult aspects of this …and I am thankful for the things I am learning about WHY this happens …and hopefully HOW to avoid it …
People generally do not want to hear what restrains their lust …it is the way the natural fallen state of man is …
Rom 8:7 Because the carnal mind [is] enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be.
1Cr 2:14 But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God:
for they are foolishness unto him
: neither can he know [them],
because they are spiritually discerned.
We are all pretty hardheaded, especially once our flesh gets focused on something it wants…. but if a person can begin to see the value in SEEKING the truth and considering the words of wisdom found in the study of God’s Word of the BIBLE it is amazing the answers to all of what is going on begins to take shape.Ways to AVOID painful activities and thus PAINFUL memories of harm done to all ….
Mat 5:6 Blessed [are] they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
No matter how little time a person has to seek …with a desire to know and a little patience to be taught …study of the Bible offers so much in terms of preparation to meet the challenges that we all know are apt to come our way .
Thank you for your making this venue available for help and encouragement …it is so nice to have a place to sort of let it out …. I truly appreciate your comments of care for this sort of difficulty .
October 17th, 2009 at 3:59 am
Being into a relationship with married men is a forbidden taboo. “Confident” woman who shares a relationship with a married man can never say that it’s the man’s fault for making himself available and putting his profile into the market. It takes two to tango.
Married man who are active in joining some dating online only shows something wrong or he is not contented with his marriage life. But, can you sleep peacefully knowing that you are hurting and breaking someone’s family?
For your information, according to survey, only smaller percentage men leaves their wife in favor of a mistress.
Men are born polygamous. They seek comfort of other woman for a while but they will surely go home with their wife once they are done with you!
October 18th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Hi Nicole
It’s an interesting discussion, whether men are naturally polygamous or if it’s simply a learnt behaviour. Certainly now that women are less dependent on men they are insisting on fidelity but is that fidelity due to their own desire to be faithful or fear of the consequences if caught being unfaithful?
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Kara, get off the cross!!!! Religion is a personal thing between you and YOUR God, and your perspective is exactly that, YOUR PERSPECTIVE! Judge not lest youy be judged!
July 4th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Women that target married men can only be selfish!
Whether a man is happily married or not is not the point, if there is a ring on his finger that is an indication that he has entered into a contract, and part of that contract includes a real person, with feelings and emotions, a person that has made a huge investment in her life… His wife.
Another part of the contract the man with the ring on his finger, that these women are targeting, may include more real human beings, real people that look up to this man, are full of admiration for him, depend on him financialy, love him, trust him, are infuenced by him – His children.
Of course he is completely in the wrong as well, but we all make mistakes. By snubbing all those genuine single blokes looking for romance, they must know that by aproaching and putting themselves in front of a married man can only at the very least cause hurt.
It’s nothing more than theft. If you are a betrayed woman, there are steps you can take right now. Read my blog where I discuss how to know if and when your husband is lying to you, you can tell just by listening to the tone of his vioce, and if you want to catch your husband cheating, there are very easy ways to keep a survielance on him. Check it out…
http://hubpages.com/hub/Husband-is-cheating-Need-proof
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