3 Reasons Why Men Cheat | Understanding Adultery

Sun, May 31, 2009


Adultery is as old as time, for as long as there have been humans roaming the earth people have been cheating on their partners but we need to understand that it is often a symptom, not a cause.

Firstly let’s just admit that women as well as men cheat, however women tend to commit adultery for different reasons to men, so this article will just look at the top 3 reasons why men cheat.

Understanding adultery is not the same as condoning it, there are so many reasons why it’s not ok to cheat, even in this modern sexually permissive society but by understanding why men cheat we can work on our relationships to lessen the chances of our partner, or ourselves, having an affair.

It’s also not ok to simply blame the wife, he isn’t getting enough sexual satisfaction at home so was forced to look outside the marriage .. although this can be a factor in some affairs but marriage failure is rarely so one sided.

Here are the top 3 reasons men cheat, in order of priority .. the No1 reason may not be as you would expect:

1. Affection and Attention

No, the number one reason for men cheating is not simply sexual gratification, although it’s a generally held belief .. i.e., he just can’t keep it in his pants.

It’s all about affection and attention .. in simpler terms it’s about his ego, someone that makes him feel appreciated and desired.

Think back to when you were dating, how you hung on his every word, laughed at his jokes, were desperate to spend time with him and picked the fluff off his jacket .. he loved the attention and he felt appreciated.

During that phase of your relationship a supermodel could have danced in front of him naked begging for his attention and he would have rejected her, as he was getting all he needed from you.

Then life moves on, you have the kids to pick up from school, the house is a tip, the dog has thrown up in the kitchen, the mortgage is due and you can put the shelves up yourself without waiting 6 months for him to do it. He has suddenly become a spare part.

Along comes a very ordinary other woman, no beauty queen and not even very exciting. He just meets her in passing, he isn’t out looking for an affair, she just happens to cross his path, be that at work, in the supermarket or socially.

She laughs at his jokes, enjoys his conversation and comments on how well his shirt suits his colouring .. bingo, she pays him attention and he suddenly feels appreciated again and cheating suddenly doesn’t seem such a crime.

He commits adultery, not because he was looking for extra marital playtime but because he finds the attention, ego boost and affection he feels he’s lacking at home.

2. Lack of Sexual Fulfilment

Men may cheat for three sexual reasons (or a combination of them):

a) His wife is partially or totally disinterested. When we are first in a relationship we are at it like bunnies but over time the physical side of a relationship takes a back seat to day to day life.

Most men can accept this without rushing out to cheat but when it comes to the weekly “hurry up and remember to pull my nightie down when you’ve finished” or “good lord, has your birthday come round again” then men will simply look elsewhere.

As with all things in a relationship, it takes both partners in a marriage to communicate and make decisions, women are not the sole judge of how often your marriage bed should see action other than snoring.

b) Sexual boredom can be a factor in adultery. It’s not that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t enjoy your sex life together but it can get a bit ‘same old, same old’ for both men and women.

This doesn’t mean you have to start reaching for the kama sutra, buy toys or arrange a swingers party to stop him from cheating, just be the woman he fell in love with again.

Open up your underwear drawer and have a look .. is it full of “comfortable” knickers and slightly off white mumsy bra’s? Maybe it’s time to dress up for your man or has it become a twice weekly (Tuesdays and Thursdays) event? Spice things up a little, be a devil and ravish him on Sunday afternoon.

c) Sexual experimentation. This is perhaps the saddest of sexual reasons for a man to cheat, I mean sad as in feeling sorry for them, not sad as in get a life you loser.

What happens if your husband wants you to dress as a french maid or tie you up and you give him that shocked catholic schoolgirl look?

First you have made him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, never something we should do to someone we love. You may have made him feel perverse, for something most red blooded men think about trying. You have also rejected him without even explaining why you are afraid to try it.

Now, what if he meets a woman that is not only willing to try but is actually very keen to do so, she may even have some new ideas of her own? Adultery .. again not because he doesn’t love or respect you but because this new woman he is cheating with is allowing him to expand his horizons, she is accepting or even encouraging him to experiment and spice things up.

That is not to say “do anything your husband wants to try” but if he suggests something you know, without trying, you wouldn’t be comfortable with then suggest something new you would be happy to try.  He will be so happy when he see’s you trying to meet him half way he wouldn’t dream of cheating.

3. Nagging, nagging, nagging and more nagging

Nagging is simply another word for criticism and you may be a Stepford wife in all other ways but if you’re a nag then your man is going to dread coming home and will find solace in the arms of another  .. a non-nagging other.

Most people can accept constructive criticism but when it begins to be nit-picking, nagging for the sake of it, then it would wear anyone down.

He simply can’t win, no matter how hard he tries to please you he gets nagged .. in other words told he is wrong constantly.

It’s not enough for you to say don’t leave your dirty football boots on the coffee table, you have to add “AND” then list a thousand other things he does that annoys you.

A man in this situation will actively seek peace, whether that is through a hobby, drinking or an affair. Adultery is an escape for him and cheating loses it’s fear .. anything is better than being constantly brow beaten.


Some men will always cheat, they just have a “grass is always greener” mentality but a majority wouldn’t dream of it if they are happy and fulfilled at home.

Again, this is not just blaming the wife .. a relationship works both ways and when a man stops paying attention and making his wife feel sexy and attractive then it’s no big surprise she is rarely in the mood but we will look at that side of things in the next article.

For now ladies have a look at the three reasons men cheat and ask yourself honestly if you are guilty of any of them. It’s no shame to admit you are, I woke up one day and realised I had become a tremendous nag but like any problem, once you admit it you can do something about it.

On a final note ladies, don’t forgive affairs too easily. If I had added a number 4 to the list of reasons men cheat it would have been because they know they can creep round you until you forgive them again.

Understanding adultery is not rocket science, the 3 reasons why men cheat are symptoms of a bigger problem at home.

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Adultery, Affairs, Cheating

9 Responses to “3 Reasons Why Men Cheat | Understanding Adultery”

  1. Barrett from DiveIntoThePool.com (4 comments.) Says:

    Maybe I have read to fast but another reason a man might cheat is for the rush. You have a very dangerous secret that satisfies many parts of your psych and that can become almost addicting.

  2. Sally Says:

    Hi Barrett, I didn’t include it as I was giving the top three reasons and stats show that fewer men cheat for the rush than they do for the 3 reasons given. There is certainly the thrill factor, which is actually the number 3 reason women cheat.

  3. Alex from datingcare.com (2 comments.) Says:

    Cheating is often the safety valve to vent frustrations that build as people realize they are unhappy and desperately grope around trying to find fulfillment. Even if you do not get caught, someone always gets hurt whenever you cheat. You cannot cheat and feel totally good about yourself because cheating is a dishonest act.

  4. DeAnn from Cheating Spouse Quiz Says:

    Some interesting things to think about. I have never had this problem in my marriage, but I know some who have. It seems to me that people also cheat just to see if they can get away with it- almost a intelligence test for their spouse to see how bright they are. They are arrogant enough to think that they can pull if off, even if they don’t necessarily intent to go all the way. They get caught up in the moment and push it until it’s too late to back out. At least, that’s what I’ve seen with a friend of mine.
    DeAnn@Cheating Spouse Quiz´s last blog ..Catch Your Cheating Spouse My ComLuv Profile

  5. Sally Says:

    Hi DeAnn

    What a bizarre way to spend your time and treat your spouse … some people need a hobby.

  6. Mojo Says:

    I feel a lack of sexual fulfilment ties in with Attention and Affection. Some Men ask their wives if they can marry other partners to save themselves from abusing that other woman…

    Marriage entails obligations and responsibilities.

  7. Sally Says:

    Hi Mojo

    I understand the arguments for polygamy and of course it is much more respectful to the other woman than simply having an affair with her but how much respect does it show to your first wife?

    It’s a very large subject which I could discuss for hours but as yet I have not made up my mind about … could I accept a second wife? Only in a very limited set of circumstances.

  8. Henway (1 comments.) Says:

    Lack of affection is the biggie. But all of them are good reasons.. the question is how can men remain loyal given everything going against them? It’s easy to say spice things up, but you can only do SO much. Eventually both will be tired of each other. Is the answer actually less sex, and more affection? Coolidge effect, anyone?
    Henway´s last blog ..Colon Cleanse – Day 1My ComLuv Profile

  9. Sally Says:

    Hi Henway

    Nothing in human relationships is ever as cut and dried as a few paragraphs can cover and of course not all relationships are the same but many couples remain monogamous for decades and marriages can last a lifetime .. it’s quite sad that in recent times we seem to be rejecting that idea, self fulfilling prophecy anyone?

    As I live on a farm I am fully aware of the Coolidge effect in bulls and rams but I would like to think humans have evolved beyond the rutting desires of farm animals.