“Friends with Benefits” is a term used for sex only relationships with a friend but do friends with benefits relationships work?
It’s easy to think or say “it’s just a bit of fun and nobody will get hurt” but the reality of these arrangements is more often than not a broken friendship and emotional pain for one participant.
The worst reason to get into a friends with benefits relationship is fooling yourself that it can start out this way and will develop into a full blown romantic loving relationship … the odds are it won’t and you will just get hurt and used.
If you are tempted to get into a friends with benefits relationship, perhaps in order to keep loneliness at bay for a short time or until Mr/Miss Right comes along, then you may wish to consider these points before agreeing to be a “friend with benefits”.
Men and Woman ARE Different
Usually in friends with benefits relationships men are after the benefits and women are after the friendship, sorry men but that’s the honest truth. Firstly we have to understand the difference between love and lust and decide what we are really looking for.
A night in with a friend, a pizza, weepy video and sofa hug will generally make a woman feel satified emotionally and it’s a small price for a man to pay to get the “benefits”.
Would you agree to do this with just any friend?
I would think the answer is a resounding no, so before agreeing to such an arrangement take a long hard look at a good friend of the opposite sex that you would definately not agree to be a friend with benefits with.
Why are they any different, you just need some sexual satisfaction with someone you trust but without emotional involvement right? In order to agree to sleep with someone there has to be some attraction involved and attraction is an emotion .. so how do you now stick to the rules of friends with benefits and not get emotionally involved?
What Are the Benefits For You?
Given the above (you may not even be aware of any feelings you have for your friend but to even consider this arrangement you should accept those feelings must be there) what will happen to the friendship when those feelings begin to emerge for one of you?
Can your friendship survive the hurt feelings of rejection or the jealousy when you see your friend with someone else. Of course you can deny, deny, deny your emotions but when you are back in your bed alone at night crying what benefit will you have gained from this arrangement?
Not Interesting Enough to Date
If someone you just met said “you don’t interest me enough to date but do you fancy a roll in the hay just to relieve my tensions” how would you react? In effect the friend that suggests a “friends with benefits” relationship is saying exactly the same thing, all they are looking for is sexual gratification without any strings or emotional attachment. Are you really willing to sell yourself so short?
You Deserve Better
I know it is really easy to say “you deserve better so wait for the right guy or girl” but that is no comfort when you are feeling utterly lonely and looking for love. Loneliness is all consuming at times and causes us to hurt emotionally but we also know it comes and goes.
You can be miserable or motivate yourself it really is a choice we make and we don’t have to resort to friends with benefits to keep lonliness at bay.
August 10th, 2010 at 1:08 am
Hi Hopeful
Ok the answer to this problem is very simple, it all comes down to what you hope will happen with this guy and you have made it clear you want to be with him.
For this to work he HAS to leave his gf before anything happens between you. Why? Lots of reasons but the most important one is to prove that he is not simply trying to have his cake and eat it because if he is there is a whole load of hurt waiting for you around the corner.
If he can cheat on her then he can cheat on you and you will spend the remainder of your relationship with him looking for signs, causing insecurity for you. Please remember it is highly unlikely that his gf forced him into his current situation, he made offers, he made agreements and all while declaring his love for her (granted he may realise now that it was a mistake but he went into this because he loved her at the time – my guess is he simply bit off more than he can chew with a ready made family). So if you ended up married to him with children would he be able to cope or would you be facing the situation his gf is facing now?
Basically you have to find out what sort of man you would be getting in the long term, is he honorable or deceitful? Being ‘practically best friends’ is not going to tell you this, as romantic relationships are a whole different ball game. If he is honorable then he will sort out the problem he has with her (ie leave her) before getting into a relationship with you or anyone else. A possible solution here, if he is genuinely only staying for reasons of responsibility, is to offer to help her through college (perhaps as a financial loan she pays back when she is working). If he is simply deceitful is this really a man you want to be involved with romantically?
Other reasons he must leave her first are: affairs are often discovered, you would then be dragged into a horrible situation and trust me she would blame you not him / you think now that you wouldn’t feel guilty about it (because she’s bleeding him dry/doesn’t treat him right/they are always fighting/etc) but wait 20 years and see what you think about in the dead of night!! / even if he is totally genuine and is torn between wanting to be with you but feeling responsible for her, you could be waiting for him for a VERY long time if he is getting what he needs from you and still fulfilling his responsibilities to her – you would in fact be the answer to his prayers in this situation but you wouldn’t be getting what you want or need from him.
Clearly you think he is worth it so be clever about it. If he leaves her before getting involved with you this will prove he is honorable, he really wants to be with you, he doesn’t want to drag you into a drama, he has the balls to make decisions and take action in his life and you can both start your relationship free from chaos and emotional pressure from a third party.
I can’t agree with your friend about going ahead and moving on because this wouldn’t be possible for you or you would have done it by now. You have feelings for this guy and feelings always complicate things. You have to be very strong with yourself and accept that he either has to leave his gf first or he is simply using the oldest one in the book (a variation of my wife doesn’t understand me).