After my last post I wanted to make it clear that I do not follow the view that men are cheating scumbags and women are angelic victims.
For a start cheating men are having an affair with a woman, be they married or single. Where is the sisterhood, why would a woman ever consider doing that to another woman? The answer is that in order to get the man they tell themselves that it is entirely the wifes fault but they never question why the husband is looking to cheat rather than fix his marriage.
There is no excuse for cheating, it cannot be justified either by men or women. Cheating is simply a selfish choice you make, if you are no longer satisfied with your life as it is then communicate with your partner, work together to change your relationship and get it back on track or at the very worst get out and then look for a new partner.
Knickers do not have a mind of their own, they do not fall off without you choosing to take them off and it is time cheating women see their actions as the base, low, selfish deed it is. If you are not prepared to work at your relationship and respect the commitment you made to each other then have the decency to leave.
Anyone with half an ounce of common sense is aware that married women are quickly catching up with married men that have affairs. What would once have caused a scandal is now shrugged off as womens lib, if it’s ok for the guys then why isn’t it ok for women, how quickly we forget the comments we make about cheating scumbag men!
So why is this happening? The simple answer is opportunity. Women no longer stay in the home, with neighbours’ twitching curtains watching their every move. Communities have broken down and women no longer feel bothered by what the neighbours are saying about them. Women are out in the workplace, having girls nights out on the town and the internet even allows stay at home Mum’s the opportunity to organise extra marital affairs.
The more complicated answers run in tandem with why men have affairs. The main reasons and their solutions are:
1. Mental Stimulation
When you first meet your husband you have so much to discuss, your childhood stories, your hopes and dreams for the future, your opinions on world affairs, your hobbies, family, friends, etc. After a few years of marriage what is left to say? Your husband knows all your stories, your dreams and opinions, he has probably switched off now when you repeat the same old things he has heard a hundred times before. Then you meet someone at work or in a pub that is genuinely interested in you, they want to hear about your past, your thoughts and opinions. Of course this is attractive.
Honest communication is the key to any marital problem, discuss your boredom with your partner so he knows you are feeling mentally frustrated. Find new interests, either together or separately. Read a good book and discuss it with your partner, watch the news, take up a sport. Become a more rounded and interesting person, he is not interested in the latest storyline in Eastenders but he may be interested in your views of history, philosophy, art, stamp collecting, etc.
2. Self Esteem
When a woman no longer feels sexy she may look elsewhere for the boost her self esteem needs. The stretch marks from the kids, the 2 stone that piles on after you are married, the wrinkles that begin to appear along with the few grey hairs and of course gravity takes it toll. It is difficult to remain feeling sexy and confident as we get older, mother nature really is a bitch.
Your husband is much more likely than a stranger to find you attractive despite the changes to your appearance, the stretch marks are because you had children together and the wrinkles are because of the laughter you shared. Again discuss your lack of self esteem with your partner, he is probably feeling exactly the same way. Tell him you need to feel sexy and special again, ask him to buy you something nice to wear or to start dating you again, giving you the opportunity to dress up and wow him. Join the gym together and see what that does for your self confidence and sex life. Once he is aware of your concerns, if he is committed to your relationship, you will find he makes renewed effort to pay attention to you.
3. Different Interests
When you fist met your husband you would go to every football match with him, even though you don’t like football and he would take you to see the latest weepy movie at the cinema. When we first meet we want to please our partners but as time moves on we tend to follow our own interests and are less inclined to make the effort to join in things our partner enjoys but we find boring. Meeting someone new means they are willing to watch weepy movies and trudge around art galleries to please you.
Talk to your partner and find a new interest together or agree that you will go to football with him if he takes you to a weepy movie regularly. It’s about commitment to each other, doing something simply to please your partner, the rewards are greater than the sacrifice.
4. Annoying Habits
When I first met my husband I would stay awake to listen to his snoring and due to sinus trouble while I slept he would gently wipe the drool from my face. Once the rose tinted glasses of new love fades these habits become annoying, I can’t bear the snoring because it disturbs my sleep and my drooling is no doubt rather a turn off for my husband. The saying that familiarity breeds contempt is just so apt here. All the things you once thought were cute and comical are now just annoying, even Prince Charming passes wind.
If you are attracted to Mr New and hunky at work, sit back and take a good long look. Is he really that different to the man you have at home, what would he be like if you had been married to him for a couple of years. Doesn’t he snore and fart in bed too? Do his socks fail to smell when he wears trainers and does he keep his house immaculate? He is no different, he is just a fantasy of the life you think you would prefer but reality is never the same as fantasy. Once you get this into perspective your ‘old’ man doesn’t look so bad.
5. Sex is Routine
When you first met he would go out of his way to please you sexually, nothing was too much trouble and he would not give up until you were lying there satisfied and exhausted. After a few years of marriage you have been through the karma sutra, tried the batman outfit and the days of screaming orgasms ended when you realised you might wake the kids. Then Mr New turns up at work and suddenly someone wants to take your breath away again, they are eager to please and won’t just roll over and snore after 5 minutes of the usual.
I am repeating myself now but communication is the key. Get him told, let him know that he no longer satisfies you and challenge him to do better. Don’t complain and moan, don’t make him feel inadequate. Make it fun, make it sexy, tell him with a twinkle in your eye that your sex drive needs a service and your clitoris needs an oil change. You will probably find he is delighted and will work with you to find ways of providing screaming breath taking moments when the kids are away or will book a hotel for a weekend of rekindling the passion. Throw your comfy pyjamas in the bin and buy a sex kitten outfit, give him a reason to get back in the game.
6. Lack of Sex
Some women have high sex drives but their husband over time simply isn’t that interested, he is happy with the Saturday night session with the lights off. The wife on the other hand wants the passion, she wants him to come in from work and throw her on the kitchen table for a hungry, passionate ’seeing to’. She wants to be wanted and needed but isn’t getting this from her husband.
This is a tough one, nobody likes to have sex if they are not in the mood. Talk to him and find out why his sex drive is lowered, it may be external concerns about money or work or it may be medical. Before you try to tackle the sex issue you need to find out if there are other issues that are troubling him, you adding a bad sex life may just make matters worse at the moment. If there are no external issues then try to deal with the sex side. Is he aware that you are not satisfied with the Saturday night session? What can you do to compromise and both be satisfied. Would you behaving more sexily get him in the mood more often? Would you buying a vibrator and telling him you are going upstairs to use it make him curious enough to switch off the football and come to see what you are doing?
This is the worst of reasons to have an affair. Women that catch their cheating husbands often decide that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and they go out to prove a point, they too can play away from home. They are not interested in the new guy or even in the sex usually, just in proving they can do it too.
There isn’t a solution, this is simply a no-no, two wrongs never make a right. Keep your knickers on and don’t do it, it will not make you feel better, you will just feel guilty, dirty, cheap and used. If you cannot forgive your partner and move on then just leave, he isn’t worth you making yourself as bad as him for. Personally I know I could never forgive an affair, I have a long bitter memory and would bring it up every time I got angry, making both of our lives miserable, so any man that cheated on me would have to go but I make that very clear from day one.
8. New Meal Ticket
This is the one that turns my stomach the most. The woman that has an affair in order to find a replacement meal ticket so she can leave her husband but still be provided for. It wouldn’t occur to them to move into a rented property, get a job to provide for themselves and get divorced, they are simply hanging in with the husband to maintain them until they find a new husband to pay the bills.
Take a good long look at yourself, you are nothing short of a prostitute, in fact you are worse than a prostitute because at least they let the guy know up front what sex is going to cost them financially. You do not live in a mud hut in Africa where a man is required to provide your daily food. Get some self esteem and do the right thing, leave your husband, take care of yourself and then start looking for someone new.