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When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

We now live in a very sexually open society where virtually nothing is private or taboo.

Pornography has been around for a very long time and used to be a “guy” thing, limited to bachelors and stag parties but now a simple click of a computer mouse and in a flash you can be watching hard core pornography, which is probably banned in numerous countries.

The pro-pornography camp will say it’s harmless fun, it’s relaxing, it’s healthy, it spices up a relationship and people that don’t like porn are insecure.

The anti-pornography camp say it devalues women, becomes an addiction, removes attention from your partner to the point of not fulfilling their sexual needs and reinforces unrealistic ideas of how a “sexy partner” should look or act.

Pornography is often introduced into the relationship by the male partner, who used to look at it before the relationship started or when the sex life in a marriage gets a bit stale.

Usually it’s introduced as a way to “get new ideas” or “get you both in the mood”.

However, problems begin to arise when it becomes a substitute or you fail to gain the same gratification from your partner as you do from watching pornography.

Another problem arises when it becomes secretive. If something needs to be hidden, either a relationship or your porn stash then it’s a signal something is wrong.

Couples often begin watching it together but it doesn’t take long before one or both are watching it while their partner is at work or sleeping.

Am I insecure … you’re having a laugh!

Would I feel cheated on … no but I would certainly feel inadequate.

Would I be insulted or scared if my husband started watching porn … hell yes, it would signal there is something going wrong with our relationship.

Some couples look at relatively soft pornography together for years without it going any further and in a healthy committed relationship that’s no problem but in a majority of cases it’s a slippery slope.

Just read some of the stories on this message board.

Marriages that survived 20 years, with all the ups and downs we all go through and then ended in divorce because of pornography.

You go from soft pornography to something more hard core, then add something a little kinky … and so it goes on until you find yourselves inviting the neighbours round to spice things up a bit.

You can read about people that hide their pornography and watch it in secret, totally neglecting the needs of their partner.

Of course YOU don’t have an addiction but neither do heroine addicts or alcoholics!!

What the pro-porn camp haven’t grasped yet is that the damage to your relationship is subtle and you are often not aware of it until your relationship is damaged beyond repair or you have stepped over a line you can’t return from.

For those in the pro-porn camp, consider this.

After watching porn with your partner do you start to suggest or hint at a full brazillian waxing or perhaps she should stroke your ego by shouting “do it to me harder big boy” in a Texan accent? What about dressing up as a slut in thigh high boots?

Do you see the trend here … all of this is about changing the woman you are with to look or act the way porn stars do.

There is nothing wrong with your partner dressing up but when you do it in a way that tries to imitate an airbrushed, half plastic prostitute (be fair, they have sex for money the only difference is they allow it to be filmed .. that’s a prostitute) then you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about who you are becoming.

In anyone’s language that is not healthy for your relationship.

This can be something sexual your partner is not comfortable with trying/doing or it can be thrill seeking, usually requiring in time harder core material to get you excited.

Now ask yourself, if your have average sized private parts and an average build but you find your partner is regularly downloading images or films of body builders with titles like “12 inches of man love” how long will it take before you look in the mirror and think hmmmm.

Even if she adores you and tells you how much she enjoys your sex life, you are always going to have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that what she really wants is king dong … so why should women feel any differently?

Watching porn regularly is usually an indicator that something is missing in your sex life which you crave.

I find the argument that you can get new ideas to spice up your relationship totally unconvincing. You will find many more new ideas by looking at the kama sutra than you would ever get from watching Debbie Does Dallas.

Then we have “they aren’t that great anyway, we know they’re fake and some are quite funny” .. erm, so what you watching them for? Turn it off and switch over to the comedy channel.

In most pornography films the women are highly submissive, to the point where they are a breath away from being rape scenes. Being playfully submissive is one thing but being raped is quite another.

Now ask yourself how many women are turned on by the idea of being raped? If you’re a woman and you are then you have issues that need dealt with.

If you’re a man and you believe most women are turned on by rape then you know a lot less about women than my fridge/freezer does.

The next argument is “what’s worse, to watch pornography or have an affair”.

Honestly, if you can’t see that there is something fundamentally wrong with that statement then you’re already a long way down the slippery slope.

That statement says there is something missing in your relationship, which you are unable to communicate to your partner so must look for outside your relationship.

No relationship can be repaired by going outside the relationship itself, even to films or magazines.

So the answers to the original questions are:

When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?

The moment it is introduced into your relationship.

What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?

They crave something they are not getting .. re-open the lines of communication and find out what.

Agree or disagree?